Unspoken Messages

Our social worker recommended the book "The Connected Child" when we shared our struggles and frustration about Bethany during our 6-month post-adoption meeting.         I read this book before we adopted Bethany, as it was one of the required readings for adopting older children.       I wasn't too interested in reading it again and was sure there is nothing I didn't know.       But somehow, I picked up a copy from the library.

This second time around reading the book, every page really "rings" like putting all the pieces of a puzzle together, finally.

 I was shocked to find how much difficult behaviors described in the book are so similar to Bethany's.     San and I suspected all along that Bethany's first five years of life in foster care is more complicated than what was perceived, based on her developmental delay, responses and behaviors.    But we had no idea what all that interpret to or what to do to help.   With the help of this book, I can finally articulate what we've observed in Bethany in the past 8 months:

• Approaches strangers indiscriminately
• Sometimes eager to comply, sometimes uresponsive and dissociate
• Extremely passive
• Fearful of being touch in a certain way
• Excessive fear of trying new things
• Prone to outburst or withdrawals
• Language development and processing issues
• Sensory processing disorder
• Learning difficulties

Our ways of parenting and discipline in the past 18 years has completely failed.   Lectures, discussion, and questioning with steady stream of words only confused her more and caused her to dissociate or outburst.    What we realized is, compassion and love are the only things that will help us truly see passed Bethany's differences and understand her deep needs and wounds, and to be forgiving when she doesn't understand or can't do something that seems so basic, or still doesn't get it after we practiced a hundred times.    Compassion is the only thing that will help us get through those rough days, and solve problem together with her, and not for her.    

But, humbly, most days I feel like it is compassion that I completely completely ran dry.  So many days, my love, patience and compassion completely ran dry.   I have nothing more to give.   I am not the right person for the task; the cost to follow His call is too high.....

When I completely ran dry last week, the Lord showed me Isaiah 44,

"Fear not......

For I will pour water on the thirsty land,
and streams on the dry ground;

I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendants.

They shall spring up among the grass
like willows by flowing streams.

This one will say, ‘I am the Lord's,’
another will call on the name of Jacob,
and another will write on his hand, ‘The Lord's,’
and name himself by the name of Israel.”

God has put us on a totally different path this time;   A path that I humbly confess, I wouldn't have chosen.  Nevertheless, His grace and mercy catches us every time we fall short or lose ground in faith.  

Recently, Bethany always tell me, "Mommy, I am happy" or "Mommy, I love you", several times a day, out of the blue.   I have no idea where she got that from.  (Our kids don't usually walk around the house and tell me they are happy... LOL)    But these are definitely precious moments that sustained us in this journey.   

I found myself getting caught in between hoping and not hoping all the time.     I try not to have high hope or expectation for Bethany, because as hard as I fight, disappointment and frustration over taken me when she still doesn't get it after we practiced a hundred times.    But at the same time, as her mother, I want to set high expectation and give her the best resources I can find or afford, because I don't know where her limits are, and there is always the thought "may be....just may be she will get it next time, or 5 more times, or 10 more times."    I can't give up hope and dream for her, because I am her mother.

There is always these questions in my mind -  Will she ever grow out of her developmental delays and all these emotional issues?    Does she has permanent cognitive impairment?    Will she stay at the level of a 3-year-old for the rest of her life?    It is so scary.    I try not to think about that, but just take one day at a time.    I am often reminded that this journey is not about my way, but His way.  It is not about my child, but His child.       May be, in God's eyes, it really doesn't matter if she will be "normal" again.   She is where she should be now.