Coming Home

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I don't know where to begin....  I haven't been able to put myself together to write anything in the past week.    It has been a long roller coaster week for our family.   As we spent more time with Bethany, we became more and more concern about Bethany's situation.     We tried to reason her developmental delay, and tried to keep ourselves positive.  There were just too many factors into it:  lack of stimulation and learning opportunity in her previous living environment, blindness, language barrier, transition and attachment and possibly, mental issues.      On 12/29, we finally turn to our adoption agency for help.   After two days of phone calls back and forth, we were told that the adoption is final by Chinese law and Bethany is ours.    There is no turning back.

We felt cheated; there were mismatch in Bethany's report.   We are scared; if Bethany is indeed mentally challenged, the burden is too great to bear.   We felt guilty; because of our decision, we are adding this tremendous burden to our children's future.   We felt regret;  we should have asked better questions,   we should have refused to sign when we had a little bit of doubt on the first day.   There were so much mixed emotions.   

The past week has been the longest and hardest week in our lives.   I think back to how God led us to Bethany, and how all these confirmations and promises from the Lord which led us to the decision.  I cannot make sense out of this situation.   Did He know and purposely lead us into this?  (If so, God is giving us a much greater challenge than what we can [and want] to bear.)    Or did He not know? (that's impossible).    Or did we read God wrong? (What did we do wrong?)   What do we do now?   How can we face our family and friends back home?    

We are in a fresh state of mind now.   We have to accept Bethany the way she is, and welcome her as part of our family.   We feel like we are at the foot of this dreadful mountain.  Fear, doubts, uncertainty and unknown - it doesn't matter, we know we have to climb and journey on.     

We got Ruth on the day after Christmas(12/26).  She was sick when we got her, so the hand-off was quite traumatizing.   San took Ruth to the hospital the next day.   After a couple days of antibiotics and cough medicine, she got a little better.    Her fever came back about two days ago, so we are putting her back on Motrin right now.    We are not sure what is going on with her fever at this point.   We are getting ready to leave GuangZhou today, and will take the 21-hour flight back home tomorrow morning.   So there is really nothing we can do now, but to wait until we get home.      

Interestingly, Ruth only wanted to cling to San from the first day.  She would let us play with her now, but she still prefers Daddy.   I was very disappointed, and quite jealous, honestly, at first - I have dreamed about holding her in my arms, I have done all the preparations to welcome her as my precious child and call her my own, I have made so much sacrifice for her coming, to love her and welcome her to our home.   But she wanted nothing to do with me the first few days!    I was totally rejected by her.     While feeling so hurtful and disappointed, God redirected my thought to the cross - His own sacrifice for me while I was wandering to be self-sufficient, and wanted nothing to do with Him.    Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."     Thinking back, it was actually God's loving provision, so that I can focus on caring for Bethany.    

During the past week, as dark as we felt, time and time again we were surprised by God's purposeful provision.  

(1) At the medical appointment on Saturday (12/31), we met Sally and her husband, who are adopting their second blind daughter.    They have adopted a blind girl about 5 years ago.   We exchanged contact information.    They reminded us, "God is faithful."   Sally's word of wisdom for me - "Do not compare.   Celebrate each accomplishment with Bethany, no matter how small it is."

(2) On Monday night (1/2) on our way to dinner, we were stopped by another family.   From what Sam was wearing - a Worthy 11 shirt that said "Jesus changes everything", the dad figured we are from a Sovereign Grace church.   We started talking, and sharing our burden.     Turn out the dad is a pastor at the Baptist church in Tennessee and has regularly attended Sovereign Grace Worship Conferences.    He laid his hand on Bethany and prayed for her.   

(3) We met another couple who knew a family who has adopted a blind girl about 5 years ago.    She told us the family had many struggles at the beginning, and Bethany is showing some behaviors similar to their daughter.   But their daughter is doing just fine now.   What an encouragement.

(4) During the two days we were in touch with our adoption agency, we have discussed some possible options that was presented to us.   One of which was to send her back, if the law allowed.     We gathered the whole family together, and discussed this probable option with our children.    While San and I wasn't sure completely what we wanted to do, our son Sam, and our 8-year-old Faith expressed that we should not return her to her orphanage because "it is not right, since we've already signed all the papers and agreements."    All along, the children didn't seem to see a problem.      Most of the time, all of them have been the best big brothers and sister.    Many times when we ran out of patience, they stepped in in the most gracious way.     Once again, God reminded us Mark 10:15, "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." 

(5) On the bus one day, I had a very interesting conversation with our tour guide.    She asked me why we wanted to adopt these children(What an ironic moment!  Didn't she know I felt awful!) , and why so many Americans came to adopt children, even the one with special needs.     I explained that we are Christians, and what the Christian faith is.    The bus ride was long enough that I was able to explain the whole gospel to her!    I also encouraged her to read the bible, starting from the book of John and get to know this guy, Jesus.  I explained to her the sinful nature of us human, and the need of a savior, and how Jesus changed my life completely.     Interestingly, at the Consulate appointment yesterday, I met an American pastor who was there to renew his working visa.    Turn out he is a pastor to a small church here in GuangZhou, focusing on leading young people to Christ!      I got his contact info, and will pass this info to our tour guide.    Please, if you would, pray that God will use this coincidence(or actually God's perfect orchestration!) to bring our tour guide to Himself.  

We are heading to Hong Kong this afternoon.   We will spend the night with San's family in Hong Kong and catch the flight back home tomorrow morning (1/5).  It has been a long journey, very different from what we had anticipated.   Unlike our last adoption with Pearl where we went home feeling so complete with love, joy and loving anticipation, this time we feel like our adoption story has just begun.   It is a mountain we have to climb.   But we know it's the same mountain God has already conquered and triumphed.